Friday, February 17, 2006
today.
overwhelmed with emotions. i don't do too many things, yet ironically I'm often feeling tired. Has it been that I have enjoyed too much of I-can-do-anything I like, or I-can-spend-my time-anyway-I-like kinda lifestyle that has make a new adjustment hard?
I complain.
I only know how to sigh.
I dread
I draw myself away from GOD
I take things in my own hands
I cry
I tear
Flashback:
I stood stoning before the closed door. The lights are out. I was carrying my bag, I look upset. I wasn't smiling.
I came home yearning to have my fave spot of the room to myself. Yes- selfishness. I just wanted to be back into my room, and recollect my feelings. I kinda think that I'm understanding why I love having my own room so much, cus it's a place I really reveal my deepest fears, hurt, everything out.
So I got very very very irritated when she's asleep inside. I did not even want to open the door to be thankful that she gets her sleep after a tough week. I did not want to think for her, I did not want to understand that as a teacher, she has so much workload and hardly gets enough sleep. I did not want to understand or take a step back to think in her shoes. I just want my room, my space. I did not want to understand becus I cannot face up with the reality that I'm so selfish.
Flashback again:
I took my bag, walk to the table in the living room, and calmly place it down.
Lots of thoughts zapped through my head. I'm hurting mum and dad if they hear me complain again. It's just a space, neverminds, I can find other spots in my home. It's alright, as long as GOD is in my heart, anywhere is fine. SO WHY AM I KICKING SUCH A BIG FUSS!!!!!
I have no idea why.
I know mum used to live in one room flat with all her 6 brothers. I know, before I complain and grumble, I should calm myself down and slowly slowly understand the whole situation. Cheerful heart, I don't seem to be shaping my attitude towards such a heart.
I feel that I'm changing, for the worse I think. The harder I try, the harder I seem to fall. I try to encourage myself with, neverminds, te harder you fall, the more you can bounce back.I am not trying hard enough? Or is it...I am not trusting God enough?
Yes, I lack faith.
I waver very easily. I've learnt to not focus on the discouragements I have had in my family for worshipping HIM. I've learnt to let go of these things that makes me ponder: "Just what am I doing?" I was encouraged that you said that to me. It really gets me going on.
So, I read my Bible when I travel to work. It doesn't seem to work. I get distracted so so easily. I lie to myself that GOD knows what I wanna say before I say it, so I dun even need to pray. I think I'm trying to draw myself away. and I know how dangerous it can get. NO!!!!!
ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND.
I'm breaking promises. I've learnt if I cannot fulfill something I should not promise it. So everytime I commit myself to something, I will be very very angry with myself if I break it. I broke two lately. Mum reminded me, "when you know you have this, why did you still promise her that you'll go?" I have my reasons.......but I was wrong. wrong to keep this sin of irresponisbility.
Father, I'm falling short of the glory of GOD. I pray that I learn to walk closer with you, and trust you more.
His child blogged at
11:29 PM
